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Allow not nature more than nature needs, Man’s life is cheap as beast’s. March 30, 2011

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Not being a TV viewer I only ever catch the finale of interesting programmes, strange how it’s never the beginning. The other night my husband was trying to find something to distract me from moaning on about my virus when we alighted on the end of Panorama’s programme, ‘The Big Squeeze’ on how living standards have fallen in the past two years and most affected have been those in the building trades.

I found myself taken into the life-worn and immaculate workshop of a carpenter, in a Liverpool industrial area, who had custom built and fitted wooden doors and windows for new buildings. An exacting and precise craft. Rather that is what he used to do, and although he looked like a pensioner but perhaps he was prematurely worn to the bones with stress, that was what he still wanted and still needed and still could do. I have not been able to put his hang-dog dejection, nor his workshop with its metallic precision of polished and blood warm tools and surgical implements out of sight. If I was Seamus Heaney I might want to write a poem, or if I was David Storey, a novel,  for this man, so skilled and outlawed from trade, seemed to me to  embody all the dying poetry of  artisanal  England.

A pause to reflect on the word artisan, which is how the French still refer to their local rural builders, and which embodies the word ‘art’ which is not reduced to utility.  Manual skill is art, it can be living poetry and this man with his weak eyes stained by permanent tear, where perhaps once a star had spun as he swung his hammer, and who with his complexion now stained raw by blood pressure was still in every cell the artist in his workshop where every tool had its own hand-worn placement of apprenticeship to the wood.

Yes, His act worships itself.

What disturbed  most was that this man, I choose not to use his first name in a wanton intimacy, like other men interviewed in the programme, did not require thousands of pounds to stop his house being re-possessed, his workshop lost, only some hundreds. Why do ‘we’ need a government and the bureaucracy of  urgent and unpopular tax reforms for those of us who have enough, or even too much, or much too much.  ’Oh reason not the needLear  declares, to inspire ‘society’ to give up just one habitual luxury to prevent our ‘neighbours’, some might say the working classes from losing their homes and being cast out onto that unchanging heath of homelessness. Homes which the programme told us, within a matter of a year – or in some instances – still more tantalising, months would have become owned but which were now in the steely hands of repossession.

I wander thro’ each charter’d street,
Near where the charter’d Thames does flow,
And mark in every face I meet
Marks of weakness, marks of woe.

If the ‘Big Society’ means forming circles of virtue and reciprocity, giving receiving and returning, then I’m all for it but how to start? No, I don’t need anybody to tell me, I can if I choose, get on the phone to Citizens Advice in Liverpool and ask for some advice…

Post Script, April Fool’s Day:

It is not possible to make any contact because the CAB bureaus are so  overwhelmed that they don’t accept emails or phone calls. In Liverpool, rather like our local Waitrose deli, I have discovered that you have to collect a number from a slot in the  wall which tells you where you are in the queue. When there are no more numbers available it means that you must come back the next day and queue again, presumably earlier. Since becoming concerned about ‘repossession’ I have just read Pessoa’s definition of Romantic and I think Blake and Will Shakespeare, at least in some of his moods, might have gone with it:

The fundamental error of Romanticism is to confuse what we need with what we desire. We all need certain basic things for life’s preservation and continuance; we all desire a more perfect life, complete happiness and the fulfilment of our dreams…..

It’s human to want what we need and  it’s human to desire what we don’t need but find desirable. Sickness occurs when we desire what we need and what’s desirable with equal intensity, suffering our lack of perfection as if we were suffering our lack of bread. The Romantic malady is to want the moon as if it could be obtained.

Is enthusiasm the opposite of depression… August 15, 2010

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I haven’t felt like sharing my thoughts or logging in for months, but today there is something I want to share.

I have been struggling, wading or fumbling into the pages of Love in the Western World by Denis de Rougement. His thoughts are dense and intense and it’s easy to give up the effort to think these sentences through. But twice now he’s thrilled me and most recently it was with his elucidation, via Plato, of the original meaning of the word, ‘enthusiasm‘. It seems that to be enthusiastic is to be possessed by the Gods, I love that thought and get it because at the same time it fires another unthought thought in my head, and my sensory memory confirms it. When I am enthused about something I’m inhabiting my environment, I’m being fed by the universe and the mortal world is enough. I sparkle and my enthusiasm might even be contagious. The other thought is that when one stops being enthusiastic, one is, if not sad, depressed and I have been trying to figure out for a long time what might be the opposite of depression, which I often elucidate to my clients as losing desire for the world, and that explains to me why enthusiasm is so irrepressible and when something is irrepressible, whether it’s my dogs enthusiasm for her walk, or my irrational devotion to my dog’s feelings, it means that repression is absent. And, repression, whether it is anger, or denial, or love, yes we so often repress our love in the fear that it will not be returned is a broad walk to depression.

My enthusiastic dog, Lucy the Viszla in Regents Park, 2009. Copyright John Haynes

Carnival, Ligeti, and James Ensor October 11, 2009

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Self-Portrait-In-A-Hat-With-Flowers,-1883Not feeling like blogging  - perhaps too much heady food is still being metabolised … Le Grand Macabre by Ligeti , whose life experiences are painfully tragic to read about and seemingly without much respite but  from out of his cauldron of  sensation emerged so much creativity, wit, love and subversion… and then in the same week even anticipating watching Tristan and Isolde  on Friday induced a physical vertigo.

Ligeti  has drawn me, or rather my Proustian partner who inducted me, has inadvertently drawn me to the surreal dramatist Michel Ghelderode.  I have been trying to memorize his name by imagining that I am riding a geldered stallion, along with Keats’ Bright Star, and hope that I have got the spelling right  and then galloping off  to Amazon Prime for the catalogue of James Ensor who was as fascinated by Carnival and Masks and Love and Death and Anxiety as I am, except Ensor painted them and I try to get behind them….many of his works remind me, and are I think, indebted to Goya’s black paintings. (Retrospectively, I also feel that Paula Rego must feel indebted to his visceral imaginings and teasing.) I wish I knew where those black Goya paintings are hidden as so few of them are displayed in Madrid, unless they are stored away in unnamed archives.

Even before these artists, discovered  by courtesy of my  Ligeti-trail, came  as a gift into my vision I was intending to blog about Carnival and the Death of  Tragedy, and Rio de Janeiro, and my Capoeira thrusting Berimbar drumming friend Greg Hicks whose life embodies Carnival and who next year will be playing King Lear at the RSC, and then another unexpected pleasure, to revel in the fact that Rio and not Chicago won the Olympic bid, which is what made me think of Greg because he has a flat in Rio at the foot of  the statue of Christ the Redeemer …  but for now I still need to absorb and metabolize rather than write.  And then last night – at my grandson, Dan’s direction – I watched the documentary Gonzo and discovered the death driven genius, the carnival energies, the insight and death-sight. of  Hunter S. Thompson, the beauty of Johnny Depp, and  today I am still more undone and I don’t,  after watching the inspiring and fittingly minimalist staging while listening to the frantic and god-like desires, demons and visions and woundings, or should I write wounds,  of  Tristan and Isolde – with my Wagnerian loving/ Proust reading partner – where nothing remains black or white, but returns to shadow, have much to spare.  

34104898James Ensor: Pierrot and skeletons.

The mobility, the anxiety and the waivering of his nature explain at once the feverish searches,the steps forwards, the steps backwards, the brusque advances and the sudden retreats, in a word all the unevenness of his art. Emile Verhaearen, 1908

The intrigueThe Intrigue.

And Self Portrait at top of the page.

John Haynes’ photo of the week: Tiger, Tiger. August 20, 2009

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Tiger copyCopyright John Haynes December 2004

John Haynes’ photograph of the week: Boot Street August 6, 2009

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Please click on picture to enlarge.

2005_1104SquareHoxton0030 copy

 

Nothing will come of nothing August 4, 2009

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Since I finished the Proust bit I cannot imagine ever having anything to write about again. I suppose that’s what I love about the mystery of writing, I feel like I am a jackdaw on the look out for something that sparkles. A thief. I talked quite a bit, (it’s all bits and pieces this morning),  with Hilary Mantel at the Dartington Festival of Words about whether writers were ‘thieves’, and whether shrinks could see inside people, which of course they cannot. The shrinks.  If I can work out the technology I shall upload our conversation about Mind, Mood and Memory, one day soon.

I hope all this current media medley doesn’t get inside of the Man Booker judges and subtly influence, or even irritate their autonomy of  judgement away from Hilary.  Perhaps, next year they will have to be  shut away in a hotel like a hung jury. Or, maybe the spaggetti junctions of the Internet will soon  render professional judges unnecessary… The thought of The Observer  collapsing, although in many ways it has already collapsed…and, how awful for the announcement to come  on the eve as so many of its journalists depart for their summer holidays.

One thing I know is that I am going to return to Keats’ letters for my next quote of the week. Yes, he was a Romantic and I can only imagine he would have hated our world of the Quick Fix but he was also so practical about how to live one’s life, both aesthetically and physically:  his mind crossed  a spectrum as varied as any of those terrains he set off to explore. And,  he knew all about the arts of  quarreling. Perhaps, I should write on ‘Quarrels’ soon.

Amazing,  how different we all are: Keats and Proust both suffered with their health and their breath, and they both died far too young, but one took to his bed – almost from childhood – while the other kept on travelling; even when he was spitting up blood.

Overdiagnosis July 11, 2009

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‘Researchers in Finland concluded in a paper just published on bmj.com that one in three breast cancers detected in a population with a public breast screening program is overdiagnosed. Some cancers are harmless and will not cause symptoms or death during a patient’s lifetime. The cancer grows so slowly that the patient dies of other causes before it produces symptoms, or the cancer remains dormant or regresses. Overdiagnosis refers to the detection of those cancers. Since it is impossible to tell apart lethal from harmless cancers, all detected are treated. As a result, overdiagnosis and overtreatment are unavoidable. Karsten Jørgensen and Peter Gøtzsche at the Nordic Cochrane Centre analyzed breast cancer trends before and after the introduction of publicly organized screening programs, in order to calculate approximately the degree of overdiagnosis. They studied five countries: UK, Canada, Australia, Sweden and Norway. For the sake of objectivity, they looked at information from seven years before and after screening had been completely implemented in each country. They included both screened and non-screened age groups. Other factors that may have affected the results were assessed, such as changes in background levels of breast cancer and any compensatory drop in rates of breast cancer among older, previously screened women. The study showed a rise in occurrence of breast cancer that was directly associated to the introduction of screening. A small proportion of this increase was compensated for by a decrease in incidence of breast cancer in previously screened women. Subsequently, they evaluated each country and the estimated level of over diagnosis: the figure  in the UK is 57 percent.’

This has been my own intuitive and lay opinion for years. I have watched friends and acquaintances being diagnosed with breast cancers almost as if they had contracted flu. It has felt more and more like an epidemic for which all sorts of phenomena have been blamed, and if anything caused more and more women to have annual breast screening.  I sometimes hear women  referring to passing their annual mammography as if it was an A level. I have also met women who have had a clear mammogram one week and then produced a lump the following one.

I have watched some of them going through the agonies of recall, and waiting for more test results and critical examinations with surgeons and discussions with oncologists. I have visited them in hospital.  Thankfully, I have also seen the majority of them recover and continue with their lives, and sometimes eventually forget their ordeal and find the confidence to believe they are well rather than in remission.

 I must emphasize that I have also witnessed mothers and daughters being diagnosed – sometimes simultaneously – with a genetic variety of breast cancer in which they have been well advised to have a double mastectomy. I have also seen other women, often tragically young, diagnosed with invasive and galloping forms of hormonal cancers which have required every treatment in the book to try and reverse their obduracy.

I have sadly known some women die from breast cancer, including one as young as my next door neighbour. Read about others, like Linda McCartney, Dina Rabinovitch, and Farrah Fawcett who video recorded her two year battle with anal cancer.

The people that I have seen die from  cancers are often the same people that I have seen receive the most advanced treatments available in the world which have tragically failed to make any difference to the fatal outcome. In other cases medical science has triumphed but I’m not convinced that anybody knows why. I can’t help wondering whether for women diagnosed  as a result of screening rather than through the presence of symptoms  there is yet enough justification for invasive treatments. (Unless there is a genetic history to be considered.) At least not immediately. There is also the problem that once one manufactures a cancer diagnosis the anxiety and stress produced is also destructive. More and more, good treatment is equated with speed rather than any measured and expert period of observation. 

Like Germaine Greer, who has also written diatribes against the ever increasing screening processes that women are submitted to, I feel that we have mistakenly  elevated early diagnosis procedurals over my favoured  ’watch and wait’ process. Of course somebody very experienced needs to be doing the watching. Advanced screening techniques make it dead easy to record a tumour here or there, but  they are less schooled in recording how long the tumour may have been in situ. What scanners cannot do is provide the doctor with the critical information of what the tumour has, or is likely soon to be doing systemically. 

Not that long ago,  an elderly doctor friend of mine was invited by the Wellington Hospital to try out their latest scans to diagnose  the presence or absence of arterial plaque. At the end of the screening he was told that his arteries were lined with plaque and that he must hie himself to the Cromwell Chest Hospital for further urgent surgical interventions. Wise old owl that he is, he replied, ‘You may be able to tell me that my arteries are plaqued, but what you cannot tell me is whether it is benign plaque that stays in situ, or killer plaque that  falls off.’ He decided to wait and find out; now in his eighties he’s still doing fine.

It’s a different situation again when an undiagnosed breast cancer turns out to be due to secondaries, but by then it’s sadly too late to do much at all, except palliatively.

My own experience of abdominal illness and surgery has convinced me of the importance of learning to stay in touch with my body, know it’s general feel, so that should any new symptoms, or lumps or bumps, knock at my door I recognise their intrusion and know it’s time to do something. Fast. On the occasion when I did require abdominal surgery several years ago, retrospectively I realised that I had been aware of the symptoms for months before they were diagnosed by scanning, but that I had buried my head in the sand. I didn’t take the subtle messages from my body seriously.  I don’t go in for mammography, not since my first appointment ten years ago, when I was called back for further investigations which turned out to be a false positive. As far as I know it’s not in the family, which would make me think differently.

Recently, I heard a doctor colleague ask another, ‘When a patient arrives with what you suspect to be early symptoms of a degenerating disease do you immediately want to impose diagnostic tests and spell out the bad news, or is it better to let the illness – at least begin with –  take its course, which might with any luck be one of several years, before zooming in with a frightening and irreversible diagnosis?’ In this case they were referring to incurable and  terrifying diseases of the central nervous system.

I  fear that we have lost  faith in our bodies letting us know when something is wrong and we need to learn to prick up our ears. In the same way that so many doctors have stopped using their hands, eyes and ears, even their noses, in forming their diagnoses. I fear that too many people are losing touch, or forgetting regularly to dialogue with their  bodies. Doctors are always reminding us that ever more and more complex and expensive analyses of our blood are now the eyes of  our bodies. The doctors often omit to tell us that the credibility of many labs is contentious. Anyway, blood is another trickster and what looks like bad news one week might measure as normal three weeks later. At least it keeps the labs busy.

Rethinking Friendship July 10, 2009

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I wrote earlier that sometimes it takes a lifetime to know which of those magic meetings in life with significant others remain with us as platinum rings of eternity. Now, I think I may have been placing too much emphasis on the idea of  endurance. For a start, I don’t have as many friends now as when I was younger. I’m  more reclusive, more disillusioned  and whereas I used to love talking on the telephone for hours I now dread it ringing and would far rather communicate arrangements in staccato, via text. 

Since I wrote about friendship I have found myself recurrently thinking about  two or three very important relationships in my adult life with whom I have now lost touch. Although they have become past chapters of my life, they are not, at least in my mind, closed. In two instances – where the relationships ended abruptly – and in one case no matter what I did  to make reparation, I was powerless to heal the misunderstanding. In the other case, I was not generous enough to try, and now it is too late. In fact that is why I no longer enjoy talking on the phone, it reminds me of our almost nightly conversations that often simmered on the professional  gossip of the day: who was in and who was out,  for hours. 

There are those critical  friendships where one shared  life-stages with a significant other. When I was younger, in contrast to now, these people were always women and it then felt as though I had a husband, the man I was and am married to, and a ‘wife’. And, it was with my ‘wife’, or maybe we were two witches, that we sifted through the vegetation of our children’s lives: their thread worms, nits and fevers. Looking back, I cannot recall any time when I was happier than when I pushed my firstborn in her pram across Primrose Hill with my ‘wife’ and we were entranced not just by our babes’ beauty  but also by our own, it was a marvel, yes a marvelous love feist of  motherhood and friendship. We shone as brightly as two stars in our psychidelia and patchouli.

What I am trying to say is that even when relationships have died – and for whatever reason – their memories vividly mark a chapter of our lives. I still remember not only my own, but my children’s long lost best friends as if it was yesterday. It is not, after all, I think the length of time that matters but the depth of loving, or come to that, hating.

Back To Dionysius July 5, 2009

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We’re back from Hamlet and I was hoping to continue my Jacko versus Morrison argument with Dan but he preferred to get right back to another Brighton beach party. Jude Law went for the Dane and succeeded, his Hamlet was brave and accomplished in an otherwise flat and stale universe of geriatric mood and uneven casting. I don’t understand how, with London overcrowded with talent, so many directors are perverse in their casting. Ron Cook was the only other pleasurable sensation. 

I’m sorry Dan’s not around because I can’t talk knowledgeably about Morrison except to agree that his life was an embodiment of  Dionysian principles.  Whereas, shape shifting Jackson provoked – if only for moments that lasted as long as a track – a collective Dionysian abandon to mindless hysteria in his followers. There was nothing collective about Jim Morrison.

In these faithless times we elevate the famous, and the cult of celebrity, into new idols of worship, it seems in an attempt to return a sense of the divine to our lives. Rock stars, or footballers, who perform stoned, twisting and turning to the gyres, in vast spaces and excite a collective frenzy in their audiences may be our equivalent to that most mysterious member of the gods: Dionysius, who was god of theatre, intoxication and most important of all, abandonment.

Watching the panegyric of video tributes to the genies of Jackson,  on his iconoclastic journey,  it felt as though I was watching a shape shifting energy descend from the ‘flies’. Dionysius returned to whip his followers into a frenzy of abandonment and gratification. Yet, like any archetypal god, Jackson was only the empty vessel for ecstatic projections whilst his own life and death had an accelerating and visible tragic destiny. Jackson was the  puer prince of Peter Panhood. He surrounded himself with other ‘lost boys’, and an abused chimp, whose lives, it seems, he wished to indulge, in order to try in vain to heal the wounds of his own deprivations.

Flu The Trickster July 5, 2009

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I cannot continue with my Dionysius debate until Dan’s with me and he’s coming to London later today to go see Jude Law as Hamlet with his sister Portia. I got the tickets because Portia adores Jude and I thought that it might be the only way she would ever agree to see Hamlet. Her mother still hasn’t forgiven me for taking her to see Jonathan Miller’s Hamlet  (and I cannot remember who played Hamlet but it certainly wasn’t Jonathan Price’s, which is still limned inside of me) at the Warehouse when the temperature soared to over 40C. She only remembers that everybody wore grey and it put her off Shakespeare for life. I hope the Wyndhams Theatre has air conditioning because it’s already very hot this AM. We have tickets for row B of the stalls and I’m hoping that being that close to Jude will console Portia for so many words, words, words.

This flu thing makes me laugh: the government wanted us to believe they had it under control, a Confine and Contain policy,  and  that the flu line was set up and ready to go when it was and probably still is in an  uneducated digital shambles. If the highly pathogenic avian influenza virus HPAI ever takes off we will anyhow get  mortally caught in our own man-made lines. (However what does not seem to be publicly discussed is that the Spanish flu of  1918 was also, like swine flu , an H1N1 virus which started mild enough but in its second coming it killed – at the most modest estimate – 40 million people.)

The people, if not the viruses, the government bullied into their control were the GP’s who – for possibly the first time ever – were to begin with forbidden to write a prescription at their own discretion, in this instance for Tamiflu.  If the doctors had bothered to read the bullyings of changing instructions in the daily communications from the Department of Health they would not have had any time to see a patient.  The idea that flu can be contained is ridiculous, it has the unknown potential for a more devastating killer energy than any terroristic attack and those who are really in control of our health and safety in this country have known this for a long time. Not to begin to speak about the pharmaceutical companies.

Flu flirts.  Flu looks like one thing and then becomes another. Most people say they have flu when they have a feverish cold but anybody who’s had a proper dose of any seasonal flu will remember that it’s probably the viral illness that has made them feel closest to death. I can recall a description in one of Jane Smiley’s books where the mother might as well have been dead for three weeks. Most of us only experience the real thing once, rarely twice in our lives,  but I remember when I got it in the last epidemic: I lay in bed for a week without eating or moving and if anybody had told me the house was on fire I wouldn’t have had the strength to move. That was in 1989 when flu was responsible for 23,046 deaths in the UK.

It’s intriguing to see how differently people’s  defenses operate under threat and how most of us split into two camps: those who believe that they are invincible and have faith in the government and the medical profession to take care of us, and those of us who don’t think but know that if the benign swine was to mutate into its avian cousin some of us, if not too many of us, would be done for by Mother Nature’s fickle hour. A flu pandemic won’t and can’t be contained, and it’s not interested in rank or riches, although age does seem to be a consideration, and when it strikes it can only be endured.

None of the doctors I knew were worried this time around, even though I was to begin with. One of my doctor friends, who is one of the most devoted GP’s that I know, spent one  day early in May, when the Mexico stuff was still baffling, besieged by female patients in premature and hysterical terror about their families.  By the end of a day when yet another  patient had appealed for reassurance that he would take good care of her if the worst was to happen,  he heard himself, and not without some degree of shame, shouting ‘For heaven’s sake don’t you realize that if the worst does happen I shall probably be dead  long before you.’

Flu  can be a trickster and a tease but when push comes to shove it is indifferent to life  If that pathogenic virus HPAI decides to get going across Asia over the summer it wont make much difference which camp we fall into. I think the culture out of which we decide whether to adopt a naive optimism, or negative pessimism, depends on whether on not we have suffered premature bereavement in life. For those of us who have loved and lost in a too untimely way, we already know that those bolts from the blue, or Fate, or God’s unconscious, are more powerful than Life.  All we can do is to watch and wait. Or pretend that everything will always end up being OK. I’ve just remembered how – many years ago – Milan Kundera attacked humanity for its inhumanity to other animals, was it in The Unbearable Lightness of Being, and now it seems an irony that these viruses incubate a revenge in the dark heart of animal abuse.

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